Domestically Challenged

You gotta let'em go

My son had a sleepover this past weekend, and it gave me time to think about raising a boy in 4th grade. You see, I'm not a boy and never have been, so this is all new for me. And I think I realized that I am having trouble with it.

What started this thinking pattern is how excited my son was to go. I know he was excited to see his friend, but then I got to thinking about when I had sleepovers and why I was so excited.

I was excited because I knew I would get to do things I didn't get to do at home.

Hmmm. This got me to thinking about why he would be excited to do things he can't do at home. It turns out, one of them is staying up till 6:30am, which is totally fine for a sleepover, but at home he does have things like bedtimes and no movie rules and video game rules, etc, etc.

I know that he has a lot of rules. I am terrified of raising one of those kids. You know, the ones who don't have manners and such? Yeah, I don't want one of those. So, hence the rules.

As I drove to pick him up, I thought about what I could be more lenient on. I am worried that if I don't let up, he will be a "kid gone wild" anytime he gets away from my iron fist.

So, I decided to give him more freedom. I want him to go out and play more, without me hovering (which is just as often because he wants me there as not). I want to give him the freedom to hang in his room and talk on the phone or play video games - if I can only keep his sister from bugging him incessantly. When he told me about the video game he played that I don't approve of, I didn't make a big deal of it. I just asked him about it and let him talk.

But I will still impose limits. Kids need limits. It helps them to develop and helps them appreciate when they don't have them. And I'm ok with that. But he also needs to be a boy.

Ahh, the joy of being a parent!

Christmas Anxiety, Take 1

Better read this post quick, because chances are it won't be here in the morning...

Christmas, while my favorite time of year, is also very difficult. Losing a parent when they are young-ish is never an easy thing to deal with, but it is much more difficult around the holidays.

Here's another admission - I suffer from anxiety. I have had it for a while, but it didn't really begin to kick my ass until after my mom passed away. Before we knew the cause (we had to wait months for an autopsy report), we thought it was a heart attack because of all the meds she had been on for all those years.

My anxiety spiraled out of control and seemed to peak around holidays and birthdays. I have thankfully been able to get it more under control this year, but the holidays still present (ha, ha, look at my pun) special issues for me.

Take tonight. There I was, wrapping presents with the kids and bam! I felt a little heart flutter. I get these. I've been checked out by a cardiologist and have been given a clean bill of heart health. I know this. And yet, because of Brittany Murphy's passing from "natural causes: (and seriously, how the hell does a 32 year old die of natural causes? Even if its a defect, that isn't natural...) I worried that it was my heart.I think another contributing factor had been all the tragedy around the mom twitterverse, with @anissamehew and others, I have been a little more body/health/mortality conscious.

And then there's this Christmas thing.

I worry about my brother and how he will do - it's also his birthday. I worry about my dad, even though he has a steady long term girlfriend. I just flat out worry.And it sucks.

I should have expected the panic - I was home, alone, two sleeps before Christmas. I had slightly less noise as usual. I really should have expected to have the anxiety hit and hit hard. Thankfully, it hit later this year. Maybe next year it will wait until Christmas Eve.

I also have very severe scoliosis, which makes my heart and lungs do very funny things, especially when I am sitting on things that are hard, like a floor. And yet I still let the panic grip me.

Here's the message, if anyone reads this - hug those you love. Let your friends know how much they mean to you. Give your kids a few extra smooches, even if they think they are too old for them. Please do this. If there ever comes a time in your life where you can't (and I seroiusly hope it never does happen to you), you will be able to look back upon these times and it will bring a smile to your heart.

So, I've decided to skip my birthday this year...

Today is my Birthday Eve, but I've decided that I am no longer celebrating it. My kids are bummed, but I've just decided that I don't want to. It's not as much fun when you don't have your mom around to celebrate it.

Now, it's not like my mom made an extra big deal about it. It was just the regular "mom stuff." Things like calling me at exactly 6:32 AM to tell me that it was now officially my birthday and complaining all day about how her water broke when she was only 6 months along and she walked (yes, WALKED) her ass to the hospital.

She would then talk about how preemie I was and how I had to wear doll clothes (wth happened from there?!?!) and how I was in the hospital for a month and she would sit with me every day and hold me or hold my hand while I was still hooked up to the machines.

And I would roll my eyes. And not listen. Because I had already heard it a million times before.

But, man, what I wouldn't give to hear it just a million and one more.

Now I just want to skip my birthday, because I don't have that anymore. I don't have my mom to tell me how happy she was to have me or how worried she was that I was in the hospital for so long or even, god forbid, that I had casts on my legs for months and then had to wear corrective Herman Munster shoes afterwords.

My husband does a great job, because he knows that I am just a big dork and get just as excited as my kids do about bdays and holidays, even though that really isn't the case anymore. I try to keep my head up, because it's fun for the kids to be able to tell me Happy Birthday all day and then I spend the rest of the time lying to them about my age.

But mostly, I think about my mom and what I've lost.

I think about how much I miss the mom support - which basically translates into how your mom thinks you are the best at EVERYTHING just because you are you. I miss the incessant phone calls where I didn't really listen to her. I dammit, I miss the stupid birthday stories as well.

Daily Gratitude

I am a little late, but I think the important thing is that I keep going. That’s what I tell myself anyway. The challenge I took today was:

It’s been two weeks since you started The Gratitude Challenge. Write about how The Challenge has changed your perspective thus far.

Even though I haven’t written about the challenge in a few days, I do think about it. I am trying to show my husband that I appreciate him. I am trying to be appreciative of my kids’ unique talents and traits, even when they are beating the crap out of each other while I am driving home.

I. Am. Trying.

And some days it’s not easy. When I am tired and the kids are fighting or not doing what they should be doing. But, I am still trying. How about you?

Gratitude Challenged - Day 12

Today's task:

Today, make the effort to live life with a positive outlook. Restrain from criticizing the people around you. Dare to see the glass half full. Listen more than you speak. Give freely of yourself. Practice kindness at every opportunity.

This is something that I have been working on for a while. Being in teaching and a mom of 2 ADHDers makes life.....um, complicated. And difficult. And frustrating. And exausting. And, wait, what was I talking about again? Not complaining? Hmmmm.

You see, complaining is natural for me, whether it's an ache and pain, a rough class, a rough night, med issues - you name it. I don't want to be known as a complainer, I just like reassurance. I like for someone to tell me that everything will be ok. I can admit that.

I also admit that I really don't want to be the whiny complainer that makes people groan when they enter a room. So, I am trying to complain less. And when I do complain, I am trying to do so constructively. I know that sounds dumb, but I mean it. Sometimes as moms, we need to complain and commiserate. It's natural. It's when you complain about everything that it becomes a problem.

So, this challenge fits with what I need to do - complain less and show more outward positivity. Some days will be tougher than others, but such is life. :)

Gratitude Challenge - Day 9 possibly

So, I may be a day off. Things have been a little...hectic. School is approaching a grading period, so gotta keep the kids on track.

Today's lesson (I think) was this: Enjoy the people around you. Take a moment to appreciate their unique talents, abilities and personalities.

I have been trying to do this more and more. I am sitting here, looking at my son work on his vocab. He should have been in bed an hour ago, but we worked so hard to get him caught up that I don't want to get behind at all again. So, he is happily working and TALKING non stop. Yet, when I walk by him, he latches on to my arm like I am the best thing that exists to him. It's so sweet! He is also sooooo excitable about almost everything. I need to foster that, even when he talks so fast that I have to ask him to sloooow down so I can understand him.

I am trying to appreciate my husband more. He is currently sitting on the couch watching a hunting show, but he just returned from getting us O ice cream sandwiches, even though I'm not even supposed to eat them. He ran out after working for a full day, then working with the kids with me. He is a fabulous husband and has really been picking up the house slack for me. I am totally the luckiest woman around!

I am really working to appreciate my daughter. She is a very difficult child and is being observed for oppositional defiance disorder. She can be a toughie. But she is also very loving and a great artist and singer. She is a beautiful young girl and I am trying to be more positive with her, despite how hard it can be at times. It isn't always easy, but I want her to remember me being happy and loving with her, not getting mad at her for one thing or another, even if that is what a lot of our time is like.

Gratitude Challenge - Day 5

I didn't post day 4, just didn't want to put it all out there. :)

Today's challenge is to write for 5 minutes about everything I am grateful right this minute. Here goes:

I am grateful for my kids - they are beautiful, smart, funny and have made my life full and complete. I am grateful for my husband, who literally is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is wonderful for me!

I am grateful for teachers, who make so many things in life possible. I am grateful for my job,  because I love teaching and there are so many who don't have jobs, much less jobs they like.

I am grateful for my family, my dad and brother, who are almost all the family I have left. I love them very much!

I am grateful for my friends, even though I don't get to see them as often as I would like.

I am grateful for my health and the health of my loved ones.

Gratitude Challenge, Day 3

I am grateful for my family - both the one I have now and the ones I have lost. They are what has made me what I am today, for better or worse. I hope I can continue to create a loving and supportive environment for my kids. I am grateful to have a wonderfully supportive husband who puts up with my insanity, balances me and is helping to raise some pretty cool kids.

What are you grateful for?

The ABC's of Gratitude

Today's assignment is to write about things you are grateful for in ABC format. I am totally wiped from work and then a class and then homework, so I will just jump right in!

A - Antwon, my brother

B - Books. My favorite way to de-stress, relax and unwind.

C - Coca Cola. My favorite drink, especially since I have food allergies. It is my treat!!

D - D#@!@# - my son, whom I am very grateful for. We are so very, very lucky with him. Wonderful kiddo!

E - Eggs, my favorite allergy friendly weekend breakfast.

F - Family, because after my mom passed away, I feel like it all kind of crumbled away.

G - Grandfather, who was a huge influence in my life and I miss him very much. He was a very unique person. Quiet, strong and funny as hell.

H - Our house, which hubby has worked very hard to maintain for us.

I - ice, which I must have with my coke in the morning.

J - J, my husband, who has saved my life, been my best friend for years and is literally the best husband anyone could ever ask for. Ever.

K - Kisses!! Hubby kisses, kiddo smooches and even wet, sloppy dog kisses.

L - azy days, though I have had too many of them lately.

M - Mom, who I wish was still here so I could tell her...

N - Night, because it is the one time my house is peaceful

O - Ocean, because I find it so relaxing.

P - pool, we built it after my mom passed away and it is beautiful!!!

Q - Quiet, because it so rarely happens. i got to drive home in silence tonight and it was amazing.

R - Romance, because how can you not love it? My hubby makes me feel special quite often, even after 14 years

S - S$#@@# - my daughter, who is teaching me that maybe I'm not completely a tomboy.

T - Teachers, because with them, all things are possible

U - Um. A word I like to count when people are speaking. And it's better than umbrellas

V - Vision, because I am reading a story about Helen Keller with one of my classes and I am grateful that I have such a gift.

W - Water, because it tastes good and swimming in it makes my back feel better.

X - xrays, which sounds cheesy, but turned up just how pronounced my scoliosis really is. I'm glad I know now, even though it scares me.

Y - You - I am very grateful for anyone who has been touched by my writing or teaching

Z - Zen. Balance. Peace. When I have it, I will be damn grateful!

Gratitude Challenge - Day 1

Today is World Gratitude Day and because things have been a little rough on me lately, I decided to participate in The Gratitude Challenge by tiny prints.

Now, I want to start by saying that I am in no way affiliated with tiny prints or The Gratitude Challenge officially. There are many mom bloggers who have gone from blogging about their lives to blogging about their products. There's a time and place for it, but there just seems to be too much of it.

Because things have been difficult and especially with everything going on around us with the economy and such, I thought it would be a great idea to join this challenge. You can read more about it at the home page, but to summarize:

Welcome to The Gratitude Challenge, a 21-day challenge created to help you take note of the brighter side of life.

At Tiny Prints, we believe that sharing gratitude for everyday experiences can revitalize our commitment to living life in a sensational way. As a result, we invite you to spend a few minutes each day to count all of life's little blessings.

Despite my constant complaining, I am very grateful for everything I have. Now, I will have a way to show it.

Wanna join me? :)

I signed the pledge - I commit to expressing gratitude over the course of the next 21 days. I accepted this challenge because I need to focus more on the positive than the negative in life. I hope to be happier and show the people in my life that I am grateful to be a part of their lives. I also hope to find some inner peace, something I desperately need right now.

Do you have what it takes to be grateful for 21 days???